Group makes Valentine’s less lonely for widows, widowers
Published: February 23, 2007
Valentine’s Day isn’t the happiest time of the year when you’ve lost the love of your life.
Much of the joy slips from Christmas, too. And anniversaries mostly remind of what was. A lot of days feel lonely for empty nesters when the nest truly is empty.
“It’s even tough to pick up the pictures,” said Elaine Johnson of Dallas. “I don’t have a lot of pictures of Kenneth around, but when I pick one to dust … it’s hard.”
On the second Tuesday of the month, though, Ms. Johnson and dozens of other widows and widowers spend a couple of hours together, talking and eating, laughing and sharing, and in the process, making life a little brighter.
On this cool, blustery Valentine’s eve, 76 showed up for lunch, many at a time when most people are still savoring breakfast. The lunch officially begins at 11:30 a.m., but regulars warn that if you aren’t there by 11, you might not find a seat. And when the group’s leaders arrived shortly after 10, some people were already waiting.
Arrangements of red and pink roses, red carnations and other flowers graced the tables in honor of Valentine’s Day, and a small, pink chocolate heart sat beside each place setting.
“It makes you feel a part of something,” said Jennie Free of Sunnyvale. “I was married 54 years and just lost my husband in November ‘05, and we always ran around with couples.
“But now when you run around with couples, you feel like the odd person out. Here, you feel more a part of the group.”
“Here” is a big banquet room at the back of a Red Lobster in Mesquite, where a L.I.F.T. group – for “Living Information for Today” – attracts 80, 90, even 100 people to its monthly meeting, people who know exactly what it’s like to be alone, and who relish this chance for fellowship.
Not grief support
L.I.F.T. is an outreach of Dignity Memorial, an association of funeral homes that created the program to help survivors cope with the loss of their spouses.
“My first thought, when they said this was for widows and widowers, is that it was grief support. And my second was they’re trying to pair us up with someone,” Ms. Johnson said. “I don’t need that, and they’re not.
“It’s just a group of people who like to get together.”
“It’s something you look forward to each month,” added Pat Henderson of Dallas. “You go and see people, you see how they’re doing.
“Most of us married young – well, I was young and my husband was a little older and he was the only man I’d ever dated. I think a great many of us are the same way. Most were married 50 years or close to it. So we’re all kind of in the same boat.”
But this is no singles group. Like Ms. Johnson, few people seem to have any interest in that. The men mostly sit with other men and talk sports and politics. And women sit in friendly groups, talking of family and common acquaintances, smiling and laughing.
In a way, Ms. Henderson said, the gatherings help them deal with this particular phase of life.
“We always sat at the table to eat,” she said, “and people have to find a way to cope with that [after a spouse dies]. I’m a reader, and I fix my meal and put it on the table and read while I eat.
“That’s my way of coping.”
‘Sense of loss’
After spending a lifetime with someone, finding a way to cope with his or her loss is critical, said Timothy Wolff, an associate professor of psychiatry at UT Southwestern Medical Center.
“Humans are social creatures by nature, and interaction is a need. So when someone is in a long-term intimate relationship with a spouse, they have someone who fits that need on a daily basis,” Dr. Wolff said. “And they don’t have the expectation that that person will someday be gone.
“On Valentine’s Day, at Christmastime, other important family times, those bring joy to us and are memorable in healthy lives,” he said. “And to not have that person in those times creates a longing, a sense of loss.”
Ms. Free understands that.
“Matt and I never had children, so we always just had each other,” she said. “We always did something for Valentine. Each Valentine’s Day, we’d give each other the Valentines we gave the first year we were married.
“They’re getting a little yellow with age, but I still have them.”
The cards are dated Feb. 14, 1952, and except for a hint of tanning, they’re in perfect shape, right down to the red satin ribbon that adorns the card from her husband.
Some years, Mr. Free would add a little note on a separate piece of paper. His wife still has one from 1972: “Better every year – Love, Matt.”
“It’s good to be here with people who have gone through this, too,” Ms. Free said.
Highlight for many
Ben Coleman, director of this L.I.F.T. group, said the meeting is a highlight of the month for many attendees.
“They get out and meet people and have fun,” he said. “They really enjoy it.”
And while the group is in no way a dating service, well, sometimes things happen.
“This past September was three years since we started this,” Mr. Coleman said, “and the first luncheon we had, we had maybe 30 ladies and gentlemen there. And at that first luncheon, we had a couple meet for the first time.
“They came back each month and saw each other, and to make a long story short, they started dating and wound up getting married.
“Even though we aren’t a matchmaking group, it’s nice to see what can happen.”
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